The last week has been really challenging. It started with a trip to the ER for O. with severe asthma, and has been one big exhausting stressful rise since then. I realized that neither my partner nor I have had any time alone in over six days!! And yet that is the reality for stay at home parents of young kids. I have been so completely tired that I have begun to neglect my self-care. When you're tired af its hard to eat healthy when you can just shove something in your face. It's hard to exercise when you're too tired to move. And it's hard to have patience with your kids when they haven't left your side in days. UGH. I love them but I am an introvert and I need my alone time like I need food and sleep and sunshine. Why is mothering young kids so tied with one's basic human needs being unmet? Insanity!
I managed to escape this afternoon for a coffee, a grocery run, and a call with my coach. I bawled my eyes out over the phone because how can I help other moms when this week I've barely been able to function?
I have no idea what I am doing becoming an entrepreneur. I am scared. I am feeling like a big fat fraud and my mind is racing with what-ifs: What if I fail? What if people don't like me? What if no one wants to work with me? What if I can't do it (start and run a business and be a mommy and partner)? I also have this huge fear about becoming visible around motherhood and self-hood when both of these things are still such a struggle for me. I am NOT a perfect mother. Not even close. I don't have THE answers or any big secrets about how to magically do it all. I don't even think THE ANSWERS exist. There is no one right way for everyone. I am still working on loving myself. It's a daily process and some days are nothing but struggle. Some days I hate my mom body. I feel shame for being fat. Other days I embrace my belly and curves and stretch marks and feel like the hottest thing next to the sun. Both are true and a million other emotions and states as well.
And here I am, launching a 3 month program for 12 moms. I am creating the space for them to begin exploring and creating what they want in their lives and believing that they are worthy of their desires. I am creating this because this is what I most need! I need a community of real mamas who are honest af, who struggle with the absurd demands placed on moms in our society and who want to make their lives work for them and not just for their partners and children. I am creating this because the last 9.5 years of motherhood, I have felt alone and lost most of the time. I want connection. I want real. I want honest. I want a place where I can admit that I do not have my shit together and I can be seen and held. I want a place where other women can un-learn mom-shaming and release jealousy and competition and truly rise by lifting each other up. Do I know how this is gonna happen? Not specifically, no, beyond calling in the women and creating the safe space for it to happen. But I believe in my desire, I believe in the power of my creation, and I KNOW there are twelve mommas out there who, like me, are looking for something more and who are looking for me just as hard as I am looking for them.
I'm scared ya'll. I'm going to make mistakes. Being a mom is THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Harder than graduate school, harder than being a manager of 40 teachers across South Florida, harder than being married (close second), harder than trying to eat healthy, and so on. Being a mom is the intersection of so many different roles all happening at once--your changing relationship with your children, your self-hood, your body, your partner (if you have one), and society.
More is asked of moms than ever before, with far less societal supports and far more shame. I'm totally over it. I want to create a world where mothers are free to express themselves openly and honestly and to make their desires happen, starting with this circle of ten women. We're going to break shit up. Fuck the idea that moms can't be sexual beings! Fuck the idea that moms need to "live for their kids," and that "the kids come first." No. You matter. You desires matter, and it's time to create space for that. 12 weeks. 12
women. You gave your child three trimesters inside your body and so many more outside your body. You deserve one trimester for yourself. Hell, you deserve much more than that but start with 12 weeks all about you. Join us. You are wanted. You and your mess are welcome.